Prepare to lower colors

So, the red flags have been observed, and after spending a good deal of time taking advantage of the space I needed, I had my choice made for me, it would seem.  That’s only mostly true, as I’d come to similar conclusions, albeit for different reasons.  I didn’t call her soon enough (totally my bad) and she got impatient with me and my shenanigans.

The fact of the matter is that, while I was developing feelings for her, I saw issues between us.  I put those fears on the backburner for a while, as I had found someone I could connect with; someone I had a lot in common with, but I couldn’t ignore these issues anymore.  I found that half the time we were having the time of our lives, then something would go terribly wrong and the rest of the night was a downer.  I felt like one hand was pulling me in while the other was pushing me away.  It’s entirely possible that I was doing something along the same lines, but that’s really just another means to the same end.

I’d been spending this time thinking, and talking to my closest friends about the situation.  To be honest, I hadn’t really done that with relationships in the past.  I kept a great deal of it locked up inside, only to go to those close friends for their consolation after th fact rather than their advice from the getgo.

In the end, at least for me, it comes down to what our expectations were.  I was making myself available to a point, but made it clear that I wanted to take it very slow.  After seeing each other less than two months, I was being told that I wasn’t putting enough effort in to the relationship.  While it is true that I wasn’t putting in as much work towards planning anything, I’d say that taking a bus and bike round trip, sometimes going straight to work the next morning, is putting forth at least a noticeable amount of effort.

Feh, I don’t need to point any blame or ill wishes.  The fact is, I’m glad that it’s over this quickly before it got too far.  I really was falling for her, and the fact of the matter is that I was blinded by those feelings.  I’m not ready for a relationship, or if I am, not with her.  My last relationship (aka my marriage) I felt bells ringing from the beginning, I couldn’t get her out of my head, I was singing lovesongs to myself, I was boring people with stories about something cute she did/said, etc.  In this case, I was developing feelings, but I wasn’t hearing the birds sing, you know?

I’m fine with just dating, really.  I’m not against being in a relationship at all.  In fact, this could have become a full on relationship.  I just know that I’d have been lying to myself that certain things weren’t bothering me.

Goodbye, H.  I truly do wish you well, and hope that our paths cross again, in whatever manifestation the universe sees fit.